Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
