You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
