I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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