Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
