Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
COCAINE IS GR8
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
