dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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