I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
