So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Randomize
