College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
