considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
