Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
