I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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