So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
