TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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