I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
