Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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