It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
