she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
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