Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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