I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
