Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
