Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
