wrigley field is MILF paradise
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
