I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
