I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
