loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
