i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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