An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
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She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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