Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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