My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
