yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
