He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
