He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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