The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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