literally had 100 drinks last night.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
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yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
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My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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