He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
