My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Randomize
