KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
