You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
