Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
His nipple licking is glorious
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