Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
