I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
