I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
