i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize