note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
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Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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