Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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