Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I enjoy the company of your penis
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