batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
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when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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