apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
