I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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