just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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